The little fog of being out of sorts the last few days is lifting. Aware that I wasn’t inspired but was in practice mode, following through with previous inspirations, I plodded on. This morning I walked to the river again, sat on a bench and paid attention to subtle streams of energy about what’s going on with me.
Maybe you’re someone who sails through life now and doesn’t find the need to reflect like that. Or maybe you’re so overwhelmed that sitting on a bench by the river seems like an impossible thing to find time to do. Anyway, I’m still feeling a bit exhausted but now I have these mosaics of clarity that let me know I’m connected and always have been.
Some of it came about because of being triggered by things that happen in Second Life roleplay, a tool I use in my life and for this blog. You can learn like that from anything you enjoy–art, bicycling, cooking and so on. This works for me because other people are involved, it’s so different from anything I’ve done before and because I can extricate myself and walk away when I need to.
I’m noticing the time investment going inworld is large. It usually doesn’t happen that you can pop in for an hour and get some quality experience. Kind of like doing a five-minute workout maybe. Or going fishing for ten minutes is more like it. You just might catch something.
I won’t go into all the details, but I was reminded how I often feel responsible to make sure that everyone is a situation is mothered and comfortable. I sniff out the dysfunctions and try to fix them. When it comes to getting things done in real life I see that I push myself too hard out of habit and there is no race here I need to win. I could see the big financial misfortune I had a few years ago more clearly–which means I’ve moved THROUGH it–and that I have more wisdom now and it’s just fine to trust myself. I see tweaks that I need to make in my relationships, things I’m no longer willing to go along with–without blame, anger, ultimatums and burning bridges. I see ways I can be more creative with my resources–money, attention, time and energy. On and on.
I guess my point is that I was ready and willing to pay attention. It wasn’t any great epiphanies or even a big deal. It isn’t the same as inspiration or visions of new ways to create. Just popping into a higher level with more clarity.
When I was a little kid, it seemed to me that once people reached the age of 18 or 20 they were done and frozen, looking older gradually but not really changing. It amuses and amazes me when I notice myself growing and becoming wiser. It usually doesn’t seem to have any relation to what I’ve been struggling, striving and grasping with. In fact, some of the clarity was about being more effective by not trying so hard to make something happen.
Well, when I say I have clarity I didn’t necessarily mean I could put it into words. It seems more like it arrives in wordless paragraphs. Again I’m reminded that change often happens in the little choices and nuances of awareness rather than the big grand gestures, although they have their own place.
Sometimes it’s the big picture and sometimes it’s in the details. I wish for you that you’re feeling connected with yourself and that you’re life feels on track even though the outer manifestation might look like messy “progress”.